A month ago I get a text message from my Branch President saying he wanted to meet with me that day. I knew what it was about already. I had previously met with him about something in particular I was working towards. My stomach immediately flipped upside down and my heart started going so fast and I became nervous. My mind stared racing of all the different possibilities and I started to reflect on everything I did to prepare.
My very first thought was “OH NO! It’s time! Right Now! Today! ” This was something I have been anticipating for a few weeks now – but I was preparing for a lesson I had to give in church, I was busy and distracted, this COULDN’T be right time, I wasn’t expecting it.
And my very next thought, “…uh-oh, did I do everything I could to prove to him I am ready and I deserve this?” Sure, I fasted and prayed and studied extra hard and prayed even more and all of that, but could I have done even more? Was I as diligent as I am capable of? I started to critique everything I did and the way I did it. The next thing I know, I was scared to see him; I was scared of his answer. I thought, how strange, someone I know so well and am very close with and all of a sudden I am afraid to see them; something I have been waiting for so long and all of a sudden I didn’t want to go. Something I wanted so badly was in the hands over someone else’s judgment, and what a terrifying thing!
I remember waiting outside of his office nervous almost to the point of tears and realizing this is exactly how I will feel when Christ returns. This will be exactly how I feel judgment day: Now? Today? Oh no! Did I do everything I could to prove to Him I am worthy and ready and deserving? That something I really want, to be exalted and live with Him forever, is in His hands, and suddenly even though I know my Savior so well and am so close with, I am afraid to see Him. Sure, I prayed and read scriptures, but I did as much as I could have? Did I do everything to my full potential?
This makes me think back to this past General Conference- the Sunday session I watched alone, having no one else in the whole church building. This wasn’t because I had nowhere to go and no one to watch it with.My branch President called me saying he set up a screen for me at our church building and I could go and grab a key to let myself in. I did my hair and my make-up and dressed up in my Sunday’s best. I stood up and I sang extra loud during the congregational hymns.
Did I do that because someone else was there who would see if I did or did not do that? No. No one would see if I wore church clothes to just sit in the Relief Society room. No one else was there to see if I stood up to sing, or even sang at all.
But I did.
and I did it for My Heavenly Father, because I knew He was watching.
I did it because I Love Him.
and because I Respect Him.
Now, I am not saying that everyone needs to watch Conference by themselves. The reason I thought of that experience because that was an eye opener to me that I needed to do that and have that time to strengthen myself spiritually and become closer to my Father and Savior. It was just something I personally needed to make my relationship stronger.
It makes me think of all the others times and opportunities, and if I was doing everything I needed to do for my salvation. It makes me think how my relationship with my Heavenly Father is the most important relationship I can ever have with anyone else. This is the relationship I need to be constantly mindful of and constantly nurturing it. That only through this relationship can all other relationships be strengthened as well.
When I kneel each night before my last prayer of the day, I think to myself, is what I did today represent how I feel about my Savior? Is anything I did today help me to become closer to my top priority of following Him.
What’s your top priority?
Are you doing what you need to better yourself and be prepared?